MY goals.

this question that i often wonder about.. why isn't amanda more supportive of me moving to new york? my grandma CLAIMED that amanda had "ALL THESE PLANS FOR YOU {ME} WHEN I DIE! SHE SAYS SHE'LL GET YOU TO NEW YORK AND HELP YOU GET YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE AGAIN WITH A VEHICLE YOU CAN DRIVE!".. one might think that she's just trying to do what's more CONVENIENT for HER- so she's trying to keep me as close as possible so she can come over to my place and help me.. one problem with that- i don't think that she's EVER been to my place in st. paul EVER.. so get that idea outta your head. also, she NEVER answers the phone when i call her (come to think of it.. not many people do.. i must be a horrible person or something? oh well). she doesn't return my voice mails and i actually feel like i'm BEGGING for support.. which i HATE. so i've stopped leaving her messages.. she ain't gonna return them anyway. she prefers talking about me to people who she THINKS are close friends while she does their hair at the salon she works at. the only reason i can remember her ever saying i should remain here in minnesota is because "MINNESOTA HAS THE BEST HEALTH CARE!" so just judging by that reasoning- she's depending on me to be SICK my whole life. so nice to have family members helping you get better and REHABILITATE so you're not always stuck in the SAME FUCKING PLACE your whole life (NOT PROGRESSING OR GETTING BETTER). i'm almost positive that my grandma had the idea that amanda would actually help me GET OUT OF THIS STATE since she told me nearly EVERY night i spoke to her on the phone towards the end of her life "AMANDA'LL GET YOU TO NEW YORK!". so not ONLY does amanda NOT care about me by ignoring me altogether- she's making her aunt seem like an over-confident, naive, crazy old lady. HOW RESPECTFUL! I HOPE MY NEICES NEVER MAKE ME SEEM LIKE AN OVER-CONFIDENT, NAIVE, CRAZY OLD LADY LIKE AMANDA IS DOING TO HER AUNT, MY GRANDMA.. because i WILL find a way to get them over my knee and make them regret portraying me as some fool. amanda is not only making ME look like a fool.. she's making her aunt look like one as well. i thought she cared about her aunt MORE.. but i guess not.. when a person dies- she doesn't care about what she CLAIMED she'd do because THEY'RE DEAD! THEY DON'T KNOW IF YOU KEPT THEIR PROMISE! WHO REALLY GIVES A SHIT, RIGHT AMANDA?! crazy old fool! i also am wondering if amanda didn't just asssume that "support"ing me would be exactly like my grandma did to my mom and i'd stay just depending on social security like my mom. MY MOM'S SITUATION AND BRAIN INJURY IS DIFFERENT THAN MINE. her's was CONGENITAL- so it's more difficult for her to do things. I GOT MINE FROM A CAR ACCIDENT. i had PLANS to go to college in new york (i had my act scores automatically sent to some new york colleges), i graduated WITH HONORS, i participated in sports until after 10th grade because i wasn't in the physical condition to participate in sports anymore in 11th and 12th grade (I WAS IN AN ELECTRIC WHEELCHAIR). you'd know all this IF you REALLY CARED ABOUT ME AND NOT ABOUT WHAT'S CONVENIENT FOR YOU. you're NOT just not supporting me efficiently with MY goals because you "care".. IT'S WHAT'S MORE FUCKIN CONVENIENT FOR YOU. YOU CAN'T EVEN BE EMPATHETIC. i forgot.. empathy requires INTELLIGENCE.
in other news, i've still been sitting here applying to jobs on indeed. i'm not sure if i'll get interest even though my job coach and her supervisor had confidence in me getting a job on indeed with my job experience. i remember even asking the job coach if i should go back to summitoic to finish my administrative assisant diploma and she claimed that i had enough work experience for people to actually wanna hire me. i've also been wondering about if i should call her supervisor and tell him that i want to try that one program where employers HAVE to hire you- i forget the name of it now. my job coach claimed not many jobs hire that way but i'm also not sure if she just doesn't wanna lose a compliant client.
my arm is a little better.. i'm not sure if it's just muscle tone or my sunburn possibly hurting when i reach up, so it's painful because my skin is stretching out when i reach up? good thing is it doesn't hurt as bad anymore.